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I wish my love was enough to save him - Norfolk mum Kyra Welch on life with a terminally ill son

PUBLISHED: 08:27 02 December 2017 | UPDATED: 17:56 02 December 2017

Kyra Welch playing with her son Kaiden Griffin. Picture: FAE LOUDON.

Kyra Welch playing with her son Kaiden Griffin. Picture: FAE LOUDON.

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In her latest column, KYRA WELCH writes about her life with her terminally ill four-year-old son Kaiden Griffin. Kaiden, who grew up in North Creake, near Fakenham, now lives in Holt, suffers from a congenital heart defect. Doctors say the situation is too complex for him to undergo an operation...

Kaiden Griffin. Picture: KYRA WELCH. Kaiden Griffin. Picture: KYRA WELCH.

Today my terminally ill child told me he never wanted to get better.

A moment that when you think after all you’ve been through could your heart possible break anymore? Was it possible for it to shatter into any more pieces?

Today I cried, I sat and watched him sleep and cried.

Kaiden Griffin. Picture: KYRA WELCH. Kaiden Griffin. Picture: KYRA WELCH.

I ran a million questions through my mind that most parents never have to think of.

I watched my tiny little warrior sleep, I watched his irregular pulses, I listened to his irregular breathing and I just cried.

I cried because from his very first breath he’s had to fight.

He’s had to fight every day of his life and there’s been nothing I could do,

Kaiden Griffin, right. Picture: KYRA WELCH. Kaiden Griffin, right. Picture: KYRA WELCH.

I couldn’t take away his pain, or refuse his operations.

I couldn’t keep him home when he needed to go stay in hospitals and be poked and prodded like a pin cushion,

I couldn’t grab hold of my baby every time a stranger came and took him away to put him to sleep.

Today I sat and watched my tiny child try and sleep, whilst coughing, tossing and turning because of an ear infection.

Kaiden Griffin. Picture: FAE LOUDON. Kaiden Griffin. Picture: FAE LOUDON.

I watched this tiny restless little person fighting even when he’s asleep and it broke my heart.

Questioning when can a person this small give up fighting?

When can they say ‘mummy I don’t want to fight anymore’? When can they leave this tiny little body full of scars?

Part of me hates myself for wanting him to carry on fighting, part of me needs him to carry on fighting, part of me is telling me that he’s not fighting at all, just living. Part of me watches him smile every single day regardless and sees this normal little boy, with a hidden scar, a little warrior, a little tiny person who just lives and just loves without a care in the world.

Part of me just wishes that my love was enough to save him.

And today just when I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore, it shattered into a million more tiny parts.

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