Dad jokes (part 3) to keep you smiling in the tough times

So I went into a pet shop for a fish......

So I went into a pet shop for a fish...... - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

We know life is proving really tough in so many ways - but we’re increasingly finding people are enjoying a bit of light relief from the worrying news.

My bins are going out more than I am at the moment.....

My bins are going out more than I am at the moment..... - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

So here goes with episode three of the Dad jokes. Sit back (and hopefully) have a laugh....

*My mate put his bins out at 8pm last Thursday. He couldn’t believe that everyone was on their doorsteps clapping and cheering him.

You can't use beef stew as a password.....

You can't use beef stew as a password..... - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

*Let’s all show our appreciation for Amazon drivers at this time by clapping on our doorsteps sometime between 7am and 8pm on Wednesday,

*2020. The year your bin goes out more than you do.

Fancy a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...?

Fancy a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...? - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

*I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. It’s not great, but it gets me out of the house.

*I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

Toaster - the original pop-up notification

Toaster - the original pop-up notification - Credit: Getty Images/Image Source

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*Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

*My mate’s wife has run off with his Bob Marley record collection and also his satellite dish. Poor bloke - no woman, no Sky.

Veg are no laughing matter. Or maybe they are......

Veg are no laughing matter. Or maybe they are...... - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

*I once went for a job interview to be the fourth band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me.

*Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning - Swede, carrots, lime.

*A bloke was in court for stealing a calendar. He got 12 months.

*I saw an advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’

*Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

*I went in to a pet shop. I said: ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said: ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said: ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’

*A guy I know got daffodil bulbs mixed up with his onions. He made a Spanish omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital. They reckon he’ll be out in the spring.

*How does the German baker greet his customers? Gluten Morgen.

*My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. I told her “I think you mean fewer.”

*What’s a marsupial’s favourite cocktail? A pina koala.

*What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad.

*Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

*And finally....(here’s one to take the mickey out of myself). What do you call a magician thats lost his magic? Ian.

*If you want to share a joke, please email me at ian.clarke@archant.co.uk or tweet me at @IanClarke41.

If you missed the first two instalments here’s the first one

And here’s the second one.